We all dressed up for the party!

I used to be a compulsive shopper. I was raised in the time of credit cards and didn’t really understand that we had to pay them back. I thought shopping was just about my love for clothes and all things having to do with fashion. It took me years and plenty of credit card debt to realize that I was buying things to feel better about myself. To fill a whole inside that just got bigger the more I tried to stuff inside it.

I remember that feeling of walking through the mall with my arms full of bags. I felt successful, happy, loved.

Until I got home and looked at the receipts.

Then the buyer’s remorse started to kick in and I felt guilty about all the money I had spent. Which just made the whole inside even bigger.

As I started working on myself, I stopped shopping. At first, I just quit cold turkey. I had a closet full of clothes and more shoes than I could count. So, I didn’t actually need to go to the mall.

Eventually I became proud of my resistance to shopping. As if I was somehow better than people who shopped because I didn’t need anything to feel good about myself.

Yup, I had gone too far the other way. It seems like that happens a lot as we navigate through life. Kind of like California and the public education system. From one extreme to the other. At least I wasn’t hurting any children along the way.

But eventually I got to the point where I wanted to be able to go to the mall and not buy everything in sight. I wanted to know that how I felt about myself had nothing to do with how much money I had, how many pairs of shoes I owned, or if I was wearing the latest trend.

I wanted to love me for me, and still take me shopping. I never lost my love of fashion.

I started going back in small steps. Putting money for particular pieces into my budget and sticking to it. I planned ahead for what I was going to buy and didn’t get things I didn’t really want or need. I even went to the mall and window shopped. Just to get ideas for dressing and have a good time. Sometimes I didn’t feel like buying more than a latte.

It felt good.

Then I realized that the part I loved most about shopping was something I didn’t need to spend money on. Putting an outfit together for a certain event got me excited. Even an event I wasn’t really looking forward to became fun when I got to dress up for it. I could go to the mall and get ideas, or I could stand in my closet and look at what I already had with new eyes. I could put different pieces together and make a whole new look.

This past month I had my dad’s 60^th birthday party and the auction my step-mom organized. I had to go to both events alone. I knew my brother would be the only one my age at our dad’s party. And at the auction? Just me and a bunch of parents of high school students. Good times ahead.

But both events were important to people I love, so I was determined to have a good time. I didn’t want to be a burden. I wanted to enjoy myself, genuinely.

So I did the only thing I knew how to do: I planned what to wear.

As I spent time putting together my outfit, from dress to shoes to jewelry, I got more excited to go. I decided to have a good time and put in the effort. And the fun followed on its own.

It’s true what they say: When you look good, you feel good. And when you decide to put in the effort for something that is important to someone else, you really can end up having just as much fun yourself.

Fashion may not save lives, but it can sure save my night.

How do you feel when you decide to dress up for something? Do you feel better when you put in the effort to dress up? Can we decide to be happy?

This guy is moving so much faster than me!

Transitions are hard. Moving from one place to another, or one phase of life to the next is scary. Even if it’s a move we really want to make. There are so many steps along the way we can get bogged down in the to-do’s.

Once I decided I wanted to move to the other side of the country, I had to start my list. I put together my résumé, filled out the online applications, checked Craigslist obsessively. Then it was time to worry about my condo. I had to research realtors and get my place ready to put on the market. At the same time, I started looking into the neighborhoods in Miami, because I should know where I want to live.

I made the list that seemed never ending and plugged away, checking each item off as I went along.

And then I hit a wall. I resigned from my job in February as a sign to the universe and myself that I was serious about this move. Then I did everything I could do to try and get a job lined up for August. But it was just too early.

It’s still too early.

I’m in this weird in-between place and it’s really uncomfortable. People who are staying at my job are planning for next year. They’re having meetings and making schedules that I’m not a part of. Every once in a while they’ll ask me if I have a job to go to yet.

That just makes things worse.

I feel like a ghost trapped in between two worlds and I’d give anything for Jennifer Love Hewitt to come help me to the other side.

But even she can’t help.

I see everyone here moving on as if I’ve already left. And I still don’t know where I’m going. Or how I’ll get there. So, I get a little desperate. I start thinking of all the things I could do for work and spend time spinning my mind into a frenzy. I go through every posting online and seemed surprised that they all start immediately.

Thankfully, this time I stopped before I got too far in. I took a deep breath and remembered: There’s nothing I can do right now. And that has to be ok. Because that’s how it is.

There’s no point in fighting it. Pushing against the current is hard and doesn’t really get you anywhere. I’ve learned this lesson so many times before. I get impatient and run up the stairs instead of waiting for the elevator. But when I get to the top, everyone who waited patiently is stepping off. And they’re not sweating or red in the face.

How many times have I been on the freeway trying to get around the man in the minivan going under the speed limit in the fast lane? I bob and weave and make it in front of him. But when I pull off the exit, I notice he’s right behind me. We made it there in the same amount of time. The only difference is, he probably enjoyed the ride.

I am impatient.

I want things on my schedule, in my time, now.

But sometimes, there is nothing we can do. We have to wait, patiently or not.

So starting now, I’m going to be like that man in the minivan and enjoy the ride. I’m going to enjoy doing nothing. I have some good books and some people I want to spend time with.

Just doing nothing.

Do you like to control everything? Are you impatient? A control freak? What has helped you learn to let go of control and wait?

Me and my step-mom, spending time together.

When I knew that Mother’s Day was coming up the pressure to think of the perfect gift started bearing down on me. My step-mom is an amazing woman who does so much for me, and everyone in her life. She deserves to be spoiled, treated, rewarded, and have a day all about her.

She was pretty amazing from the start. When she married my dad, she accepted me into her family. Me, the one who is not actually a genetic child of my dad, but the one he “adopted” when he was with my mother. The one he kept when their relationship ended. Many women wouldn’t want the reminder of a girlfriend-past in their lives, let alone as a part of their family.

But not my step-mom. She loved me from the start. Unconditionally.

She asked me to help her pick out a wedding dress and plan little details of the wedding. When my baby brother was born, she made me his God-mother. She taught me to cook and bake and stand up for myself. She showed me the importance of finding out who I really am and loving myself exactly as I am. Even when she was sad to see me go, she encouraged me to spread my wings and move away. Two hours away to college, then to South America.

When I came home our relationship evolved into more than mother and daughter. She is my best friend.

She is always there when I need her. When I call crying in the middle of the day, she makes the time to talk and always knows the right thing to say. When I have exciting news, she’s the first one I call. And when I need help hanging a picture, or painting my bathroom she’s there, too. When my toilet is clogged, she comes over and helps me plunge. Only a real mom can handle seeing your poo.

And on my birthday and Valentine’s Day, she’ll sneak into my condo and leave me a present, just because.

So what can I get this woman who is so important in my life? How do you say thank you for making me who I am?

When I think about all that she has given me, it always comes down to time. The time together in the kitchen talking about life, school, boys, careers. The times when I was in college and I’d come home for vacations and spend the days going to work with her. Just time together. That’s what means the most to me.

The greatest gift she always gives me is her time.

So this year, that’s what I am giving her. Time together, just the two of us. Time doing something we can enjoy together. I’m taking her to get a pedicure. Yes, there is pampering for me involved, too. But for her, the time together is the gift. Time where she doesn’t have to do anything for anyone. Time to sit back, relax and be pampered. Because that’s what she deserves.

What’s the best gift your mom gives to you? How do you spend Mother’s day? If you’re a mother yourself, what’s the one thing you want on Mother’s day?

Is he hot? We won't know until we get to know him.

I have a thing for cop shows. I love them. If I am being totally honest, I can admit that a big part of it is the hot guys who star in most cop shows. LL Cool J, Nathan Fillion, Adam Rodriguez, and whoever that guy is on The Glades are fun to watch while they solve crimes. I used to think I could watch them stand there and say anything.

Until Southland.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Southland. But it changed the way I saw someone.

I first saw Ben McKenzie on The OC, the semi-soap opera about the rich family in Southern California who take in a rough street kid from Chico, I think. Somewhere with crime and poverty, anyway. Ben played Ryan Attwood, the troubled kid with a good heart and nice muscles. Which he often showed off in a wife-beater tank top.

In the beginning it was a little embarrassing to admit I had a crush on a high school character. But, once I learned that he was actually 26, it didn’t seem so wrong. Ryan Attwood was smart and funny and was always there for people who needed his help. Especially when that help involved punching someone at a fancy party.

Then The OC ended and Ben McKenzie moved over to Southland. I was so excited to see him be a hot cop. His character, Ben, had Daddy issues like Ryan, but he came from a family with money. His character was probably supposed to be a lawyer or something, not a cop. That made him seem even more sexy. A rebel with a good cause.

But Ben on Southland is no Ryan Attwood. He has serious control issues and takes matters into his own hands way too often. He doesn’t trust his partner not to plant evidence on a suspect, but he thinks it’s ok to go out and beat up a pimp when he’s off duty. And stalk a guy who he thinks hurt him mom in the past. He uses his badge as his personal problem solver and doesn’t seem to think anything of it.

He may be a rebel, but his cause isn’t actually good. It’s just himself.

As I have been watching the show I have been slowly losing my crush on Ben. I saw a picture of the actor recently, and what I saw surprised me. I don’t find him attractive anymore.

Yes, I realize that it’s just a character he plays on TV, but that character’s personality isn’t hot. So now Ben McKenzie isn’t hot either.

Then I thought about all the cute guys I know in real life, and it’s the same with them. If a guy is a jerk, I can’t see him as attractive. Even if he fits the textbook description of beauty and has abs I could do my laundry on. Ugly on the inside equals ugly on the outside.

For all my talk about hot guys on TV and in movies, I’m not so shallow after all. A big part of the reason I find them attractive in the first place comes from what’s inside.

It really is personality that counts.

Have you ever lost a crush once you got to know a guy’s personality? Can you find someone attractive if they’re a jerk?

Our bodies deserve to be treated like temples, except without all the tourists...

I have been working out since I was in college. I joined the gym with a friend and haven’t looked back. Yes, I’ve had my ups and downs with exercise, and I’ve blogged about it here. But, I haven’t ever let go of the idea that working out is important. I know it’s good for my body, my mental clarity, and my mood. After I exercise I always feel good about it.

But I have never stopped hating those cardio machines.

I dread getting on the elliptical or the stair master and pretending I’m moving forward when I’m really staying in place. And I’m so done with running it’s out of the question.

I mentioned here that I love lifting weights and Ginger Calem, who does the WritersButt posts on her blog, commented about CrossFit. It sounded perfect for me. Lifting weights, body movements, and no actual cardio work.

But CrossFit is expensive.

And I’ve gone through this bored with the gym thing before. I’ve looked into that Bar3 class that is based on ballet. I’ve researched kick-boxing and self defense. I even tried yoga, which I didn’t like. But I always came back to the same problem.

All of the fun workout classes were too expensive.

So I tried to take classes at my gym. They either don’t fit my schedule, are too full to enjoy, or they leave me just as bored as cardio machines. And what about when I can’t do something in the class because of my shoulder? The college kid teaching the class can’t spot me in a packed room.

The more I looked into CrossFit the more excited I became. It sounded like so much fun. I wanted to be back in a place where working out was fun. So, I copied down some workouts and went to my gym. Sometimes I was able to stake out a small corner where I could do burpees and lunges without tripping over anyone. But there were also days I was stuck in the middle of the gym, embarrassed to try out a new move with all those people around me.

I complained to a friend about how much it stunk that all the fun workouts were too expensive. That’s when it dawned on me. My priorities were all wrong.

I was paying more every month for my cell phone than I spent on the gym. My cable service was more, my car payment more, and yes, I spent more on my hair. It was embarrassing when I realized how far down on the list I had put my body. My health, myself.

I was only willing to spend the cost of a pedicure on my gym membership. I probably spent more on lattes in month, if I kept track.

We only have one body. It supports us every day in amazing ways and I was grouping it with nail care. Luckily, I realized my mistake in time to do something about it.

I realized that my body deserves a workout I enjoy. Exercise shouldn’t be something I hate and think about like flossing: something that has to be done. I want to love working out. And if that costs as much as my cell phone, what’s the big deal?

It’s for my body.

So, I signed up for a month of CrossFit and I didn’t even blink when I saw the price. The way I feel during and after a class is priceless. And my body deserves nothing less.

Do you have a limit on how much you’ll spend on exercise? Have you wanted to try any classes, but decided they were too expensive? How do you feel about working out?

It's not as bad as we think it is...

I have seen The Wizard of Oz more times than I can count. My dad loves the movie and makes us all watch it every year. And every year he tells us the story about how he saw it on a color TV for the first time when he was in college, and how surprised he was to see that Oz was actually in color.

As a little girl, I wanted to be Dorothy, except for the Toto part because I’m not a dog person. Dorothy had those beautiful red shoes and she had an amazing adventure. I wanted to be brave and strong like her, and well dressed at the same time. I used to plan out where my adventure would be and how I would save the day with a bucket of water.

But, as an adult I have come to realize that I am not Dorothy. I am The Cowardly Lion.

I let fear stop me from being who I really want to be. Sometimes my fears are rational, like the fear of heights that stops me from climbing to the top of the rock wall with a bunch of seven year olds. Or the fear of rejection that prevents me from sending out queries to the magazines I want to write for.

Other times I let small fears build up in my head until they are so big I can barely move at all. I become frozen in place. I feel like giving up, and just burying my head under the covers and taking a long nap.

I’m sure we’ve all been there. We want something so badly that we’re terrified of not getting it, or of messing it up somehow. It seems like the more we want something, the more terrified we become.

And what, exactly, are we really afraid of?

We don’t actually know. It is the unknown that gets us. The What-if’s spin out of control.

What if I can’t sell my condo for enough to pay off my loan? What if I can’t get a job? What if I’m stuck living here, in this town I don’t like? What if I won’t be happy in Miami after all?

That’s when I had to slip on Dorothy’s ruby slippers, step up to the curtain, and find out what was really behind there.

Once we know what we are actually afraid of, we can face it and make a plan to push through it.

Was I really afraid that I wouldn’t be happy in Miami? No. Just thinking about the city makes me smile. So, I pulled back the curtain and there was my fear.

I’m afraid of being stuck in Portland. I’m afraid I can’t have what I want.

Now that I know what it is, I can deal with it. If I can’t sell my condo, I can rent it out. If I can’t get the job I want, I can teach English to adults at one of those ESL school. I can tutor. I can work at Starbucks.

Yes, it may be scary along the way, but there is an answer for every What-if.

It turns out my fear isn’t a big scary monster. It’s just a little man with a fancy machine.

How do you figure out what you’re really afraid of? Does that help you push past your fears? Have you ever let fear stop you from doing something you really wanted?

Can you see the potential?

I am a huge fan of HGTV. I like the home buying shows, the decorating shows, and especially the complete renovation shows. There is something about taking an old, rundown house and making it modern and shiny. Really, my favorite part of House Hunters is the end when they show the people in their new, and newly decorated, home. The changes are always a dramatic improvement.

It surprised me when I realized that I was looking at men the same way.

I once dated a guy who was three credits short of getting his bachelor’s degree. Three credits. I couldn’t believe he’d walked away when he was that close. So I encouraged him to finish one last class. I’d even take it with him, if he wanted. I went as far as getting the local community college catalog for him and highlighting all the three credit classes I thought he’d like. Yes, Trampoline Skills was an option.

A few weeks later, I saw the catalog buried in a pile in the back of his car. He didn’t want to take those last credits. He was ok with himself without the degree. But, I was disappointed. When we broke up later I remember telling my friends, “He had so much potential.”

He could’ve been everything I wanted, with a few minor (ok, major) changes.

We’ve all been there. He is smart and funny, so I can help him get the good paying job and teach him how to dress. I have heard countless women talk about men as projects or trainable. We just have to mold them into who we want them to be.

But that has never turned out well.

Recently, I had a few dates with a guy who had his stuff together, but we just didn’t click. One of my friends suggested that if he got a new hair style and dressed a little trendier, that I would feel the chemistry. Luckily, that made something click in my head. If a guy needs a new hair style in order for me to go out with him, then I shouldn’t go out with him at all.

When I think about it in reverse, I can see just how wrong it is.

Imagine a man telling me I needed a better job or a new hair style! I would be pissed off and offended if a man tried to change me. As if I’m not good enough just the way I am!

So why should I think that changing a man, or even wanting him to change, is ok? If I don’t adore him the way he is, there is probably someone out there who can. Yes, she probably even likes his laid back attitude with work or his fascination with cheap beer.

It goes back to the theory of Nerd Love: there is someone for everyone.

Now don’t get me wrong, change and growth are good things. We should want to be with men who will continue to learn and grow as people. But, if we can’t accept a man exactly as he is in the moment we are with him, we need to let him go.

We can’t slap a coat of paint on a man or give him granite counter tops and think everything will be better. We need to look at him and decide if he is someone we want to be with, right now. No new job, different haircut, better car involved. Right now, do you adore him?

If the answer is no, walk away. He deserves better.

And so do we.

Have you ever tried to change a man? How did that work out for you? Has anyone ever tried to change you in a relationship?

Ladies who lunch CAN have each others' backs!

A couple of weeks ago one of my friends suggested I watch the show Basketball Wives because it’s set in Miami. She said that the women go out to lunch and happy hour a lot, so she thought I’d like it.

So I watched an episode. She was right about the setting. I still love Miami. But I barely made it through the entire show, and I definitely won’t watch again. While I sat watching women rip each other apart it reminded me why, for the most part, I don’t watch reality TV.

I understand that sex and drama are what get ratings. But I don’t understand why it has to be so awful.

It’s true that the women in the show spend most of their time going to lunches, cocktail parties, and charity events. I get that is what rich people do, at least on TV. But they way they behave took me right back to middle school, and not in a good way.

At every lunch or event, the main topic of discussion was the women who weren’t there. All they did was talk about how dumb, bitchy, ghetto, fill in the disparaging remark, someone was. And of course the next scene showed that woman in the group and everyone acting like they were her friend. Or everyone turning on her and cussing her out in public.

Luckily, I could turn the show off and I have the choice never to watch it again. But it made me think about the way we sometimes treat each other. And by we, I mean us. Women.

When a woman sleeps with a man too soon, she’s a slut. If our boyfriend cheats on us, we blame the “home-wrecker” he cheated with. We pick everyday women and celebrities apart for being too fat, too old, too thin. It’s as if we can’t feel better about ourselves unless we tear somebody else down.

And we seem to pick on each other first.

We compete with other women for the attention and affection of men. We battle each other to get the job, the promotion, or the big office at work. We take each other down so easily, when we should be bringing each other up.

I think our natural inclination is sisterhood. To befriend, co-operate, and encourage each other. We work well together, and in community. And when one of us succeeds, we all succeed together. But sometimes we get so caught up in our lives that it becomes hard to remember.

I catch myself sometimes when I call another woman a name, or make a judgment about her. Really, what do I get out of it?

The truth is, when we tear each other down we bring ourselves down too. Hopefully, one step at a time and one woman at a time we can make a shift. We can make the choice to raise each other up instead of tearing each other down.

There is a reason none of us wants to go back to middle school, ever. Mean hurts. And it doesn’t get us anywhere we want to be.

How do you feel about the way we women treat each other? What about the way the media tears women apart? Have you ever been torn down by another woman?

"Excuse me, but I could use your help..."

Often, when I want something the first thing I do is tell myself why I can’t have it. I’m not sure if it’s a personality trait or because I’m a woman. But, my first thoughts are always negative. I shoot down my own ideas and dreams before they have a chance to become something.

I know part of it comes from fear. Fear of success, fear of failure, fear of someone saying no and me looking like an idiot.

If it is something I can do completely on my own, I can work through those negative thoughts more quickly. But when it takes assistance from someone else, the fear jumps in. I start to question if I really want to do or have that thing if it requires asking for help. That snarky inner voice says, “Why would they want to help you?”

Luckily for me, I’m a talker. I like to talk things over with my friends before I make the decision. Even though I really just want them to tell me that I’m right and give me an excuse not to do it. At least, that’s the way I used to be.

Then I heard about an event in my town. Rick Riordan, the author of the Lightning Thief series is coming to the local middle school to give a reading and presentation. I worked with a group of kids last year to write him fan letters and they were overjoyed to hear he was coming. But, they and their families couldn’t afford the tickets. So, I thought, why not ask for a discount?

It seemed simple. The worst that could happen was they’d say no. And it wasn’t really for me, so I shouldn’t be scared to ask.

But when I tried to walk out the door at work and go to the bookstore, I froze. Could I really walk up to a stranger and ask them to do me a favor? Even if it was for the children? I couldn’t think of what to say and I put it off on three different occasions.

Finally, one of my friends told me to quit talking about it and just go do it. No excuses, no steps to get ready. Just go ask. That’s all you can do.

So I walked into the bookstore and that’s just what I did. And you know what? They said yes. Then they said that they would love to do anything to help the kids get to the talk. They gave me the tickets at cost and said, “If there’s anything else we can do to help, let us know.”

My worries seemed so silly. All I had to do was ask. My friend was right.

Nobody laughed in my face. No one thought I was stupid or ridiculous to even ask. They wanted to help. It reminded me that people are basically good and will prove it if we give them the chance. But if we talk ourselves out of even asking, we won’t be able to see it.

I took this new-found courage and applied it in other, smaller areas of my life. That mascara that I didn’t know was waterproof when I bought it? That’s right, I took it back. They gave me the stuff I wanted in return, no hassle and no questions asked.

Maybe that biblical saying is true: Ask and you shall receive.

Sure, sometimes the answer will be No. But there are also times it will be Yes.

And we’ll never know until we ask.

Do you have a hard time asking for help? Is talking to strangers hard for you? Or are you one of those people who can talk to anyone?

"You're a great guy, but..."

There is a lot of pressure on us to be in a romantic relationship, or find one if we are single. Some of it is self-inflicted, but it also comes from everything we see and hear. Movies, TV, books, even the news. Everywhere we turn we are told that we shouldn’t be alone. That we need a relationship in order to be whole. A complete life includes a man.

Sure, most of us want to be in a relationship if it is the right one. We want the partner-in-crime who makes us laugh, takes out the garbage, and likes to cuddle. But sometimes this pressure makes us feel guilty if we hold out for the kind of guy we really want.

A guy doesn’t have to hit us, or cheat on us, or treat us badly for us to break up with him. It is really ok if he just isn’t the one for us. So then why is it so hard for us to do?

I spent too long in a relationship with a guy who didn’t get me. He was smart, funny, educated, and even nice. But when I told him that I wanted him to really see me, he thought I was crazy. “I see you, you’re standing in front of me!” was what he said. He just didn’t get what I meant.

That meant he wasn’t the one for me.

But when I told some friends that I was ending it, I got a lot of flack. He hadn’t done anything wrong, so why should I break up with him?

I have a friend who went through a similar thing recently. She felt so bad about breaking up with a guy who clearly wasn’t for her. No, he wasn’t a bad guy and he didn’t hit her. But he didn’t understand her and couldn’t appreciate who she really is.

Yes, that is enough to break-up over.

When I looked at my friend’s relationship I could see it so clearly. We deserve so much more than a guy who doesn’t hit us or call us names.

We deserve to be with a guy who sees us for who we really are and loves us for it. I remember my former boss used to always tell me: “It doesn’t matter what he looks like or what his job is, what matters is that he adores you.” At the time, I thought she was crazy. But now I see that she was right.

Someone has to really know you. Really, truly, completely, in order to adore you.

And that is exactly what we deserve.

It is perfectly ok for me to break-up with a guy who doesn’t get me. I want to be gotten.

Yes, in the meantime there will be some single days and tough “It just doesn’t work for me” conversations. But, it will be worth it in the end. To know that we didn’t settle for a guy who was there, but we waited for the guy who was right for us.

A guy doesn’t have to be a jerk to be wrong for you. And it’s ok to tell him. Really, we’re doing him a favor because there is someone out there who he is right for. The sooner we let him go, the sooner he can find her. And the sooner we can find our guy.

We deserve so much more than ok. But we have to believe it first. And we have to be strong enough to not settle for less.

Repeat after me: “This just isn’t working for me.”

Don’t you feel better already?

Have you ever felt guilty about breaking up with someone? Do you feel the pressure to be coupled up?