Why We Go For The Safe Guy
He's not as dangerous as he looks.
When I was 22 I knew I wasn’t ready for a relationship. I thought I was too young to settle down so I spent my time casually dating different fun guys and only being serious with my friends and my career.
The guys I dated were out-going, fun, party guys. I thought they were exciting and a little bit dangerous.
One night out with friends I met a guy who was the complete opposite. He was a friend of a friend who came to happy hour with us. He was smart and cute, but he had his whole life planned out. He had just bought a house. Not a condo, but a house. With a yard and everything. He had a career he loved, hobbies he liked, and he knew what he wanted.
This guy talked about his hopes and dreams, traveling, goals, and even marriage and kids. Wanting them, not being afraid of them. This guy was scary!
He knew what he wanted and he was ready for it. That was way too much for me to handle. So, I did what most 22 year olds do. I ditched him at the bar and went out with the fun rich guy who put us all in his limo.
I told my friends and myself that the relationship guy was too safe. He was boring. He knew what he wanted so there was no challenge, no game.
But I was wrong.
The guy who was ready for a real relationship wasn’t safe. He was the dangerous one.
The guys I was dating were safe because I knew what to expect. I knew they weren’t ready for a relationship either. And I knew I would never take them seriously.
There was safety in knowing what to expect. There’s even safety in getting your heart broken because you knew all along it would never work.
But something that works? Not getting our heart broken? That is scary.
It all clicked in and made sense for me when I was watching a recently discovered show, Fairly Legal. Yes, it’s fun to watch because the protagonist gets to show up late for work everyday in a different pair of Christian Louboutins. But it also shows a lot of truth about relationships.
The main character kind of has her choice between two guys. One is her ex-husband and the other is a co-worker. She and the co-worker, Ben, had a big, romantic kiss and then she went back to her ex-husband.
Ben spelled it out for her. She went back to her ex because he is safe. Something that could be real, that was scary.
Suddenly all those ”boring” guys I wasn’t ever interested in made sense. It wasn’t because they were safe or boring. It’s because they were real. They were ready.
When we don’t believe we deserve a great relationship, those real guys are scary.
The douche bag, the party animal, or the mama’s boy? We know they’ll break our hearts, but we know we’ll get over it. That makes them the safe ones.
Now that I’m older and wiser, I can see what my 22 year old self missed. Those real guys are worth the risk. Yes, it will still be scary. But, now that I know I deserve it I’ll be willing to take the chance.
When I meet the guy who talks about his hopes and dreams and what he wants out of life, I’m going to stop, take a deep breath, and listen. No more running off with the safe guy.
Do you date guys when you already know how it’s going to end? Are the guys who know what they want scary? How do you give the real guys a chance?
Super insightful post, Emma. I believe that becoming strong as single-folks helps fix those insecurity-glasses, making the great guys appear as awesome and attainable as they are. It’s a little cliche, I suppose, but when I stopped looking (i.e., was not desperate for a relationship or someone to “fix” me or fill a void), Mr. Right showed up. There’s gotta be something to that!
You know, that’s what everyone says. And, I hope it’s true because I have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to spend my time looking for a guy. I want to spend my time living and enjoying my life. I don’t feel like there is anything to fix or fill in me, just fun to be had!
[...] relationships for my characters, I’m adding a post by Emma Burcart here. Emma talks about choosing safe guys. You know the ones — you know exactly what to expect from them. They exist for a good time, [...]
I did something similar in my younger days. I went for the guys who seemed unattainable. Because I knew they were unattainable, it didn’t hurt as much when they didn’t want me. I could blame it on something else. The guys who pursued me or were genuinely interested – those were the ones I pushed away. As I started to mature and get comfortable in my own skin, things changed. When my husband came along and was interested in me, I didn’t run. And I’m sure glad I didn’t
Yeah, that seems like another kind of safe guy. When we know they won’t want us, they are safe to go after. It sounds like your husband came along at the perfect time. I love hearing stories like that!
Like you and Marcy, I did much the same in my younger years and had the same realization. The supposed dangerous guys were safe because I knew what to expect and that they could never truly break my heart – because I’d never let them in that far.
Letting go and giving yourself 100% to someone is the most vulnerable position you’ll ever be in. It is scary. Mister boring, husband material is pretty scary because you have soooo much to lose. But, you also have sooo much to gain and experience…and it is the happiest most incredible relationship ever.
It’s worth the risk!
Here’s to you taking your leap of faith….
It is funny when you realize that you had it the exact opposite, isn’t it? And, really, most of the scary real guys aren’t actually boring. That was just one more road block I was throwing up for myself. It’s crazy to look back and see how dumb I was being. Time to change that! Thanks for the support.
[...] relationships for my characters, I’m adding a post by Emma Burcart here. Emma talks about choosing safe guys. You know the ones — you know exactly what to expect from them. They exist for a good time, [...]