We’re All Daddy’s Girls
Me and Dad
Growing up, I always remembering hearing that women marry men like their fathers. It was never really clear if it was by choice, or just what happened. And, of course, no one ever said “date” or “have relationships with”. It was always about marriage.
When I started dating, I didn’t think too much about it.
Sure, I noticed that I seemed to be more attracted to African American guys. And I assumed that was because the father who raised me is African American, and we are comfortable with what we know.
Along the way I figured out that I like men who are smart, educated, funny, and generous. But I didn’t actually think about how those are all qualities that describe my dad.
Yes, I’ve dated my fair share of men who were wrong for me, but I’ve never dated “bad” guys. No jerks, no abusive guys, and nobody controlling. I remember seeing some of my friends in relationships like that and wondering how it happened.
I never wondered why I wasn’t attracted to guys like that in the first place.
Then, one day I was watching TV with my dad. One of his favorite shows used to be Two and 1/2 Men, before Charlie Sheen had his breakdown. Yes, I know it may not be the most politically correct show ever, but it was funny.
There was an episode where Charlie was in a bar (like usual) and he went to hit on a young woman (also like usual). But this girl wasn’t having it. She turned to him and said, “I’m sorry sir, but I don’t have Daddy issues.”
It was a funny line that got a lot of laughs. It also got me thinking.
That girl was on to something.
We may not consciously seek out men like our fathers, but when we have a good relationship with our dad, we don’t need to look for acceptance or affection from other men.
I talked to one of my friends, who happens to be a counselor. She explained to me that there is a big connection between our relationships with our fathers and the kind of romantic relationships we end up in.
If we don’t have a strong, healthy relationship with our dads, we may end up turning to other men. We think we just want a boyfriend, but we’re really trying to fill a deeper hole. It explains why smart, beautiful women would get involved with jerks or use sex to try and get love.
If we just stop there, it seems hopeless. Our relationships with our dad, or whether we have one in our lives at all, is out of our control. If it weren’t for my dad making the choice to become my father when I was four years old, who knows where my life would be now.
I know how lucky I am.
But, I think in most things in life, just knowing is power. If we all know why we are going into relationships and why we keep ending up with the same type of guy, we can take a step back. Once we know what we are dealing with, then we can actually deal with it.
We can’t create a relationship with a father where there isn’t one. But, we can look around at the people in our lives who love and accept us, and see that we are getting those needs met already.
Then, hopefully, we can see the jerk coming and walk away. We can go into relationships because we want to be with the guy, not because we need him.
And those of us who have great relationships with our dads can take a minute and thank them.
We really are lucky to have them.
Now I know it’s a good thing to end up with a guy like Dad.
Have you ever noticed if you date guys like your dad? Or do you try and go for the complete opposite?
I have a wonderful dad who I love and respect very much. He’s not much of a talker (the opposite of my husband who sometimes won’t let you get a word in edgewise – it’s hilarious when they get together, my husband talking and my dad happily nodding because my husband can carry the conversation on his own). One of the biggest things I learned from having a non-talker dad who loved me is that actions speak louder than words. I don’t remember the last time he said “I love you” but he’ll show up and wash my truck and check the air in the tires. He shows his love. So I learned to watch people’s actions to see if their words were hollow. My husband might be a talker whereas my dad isn’t, but he has the same sincerity as my dad. He means what his says and his actions agree with his words.
I so agree with the actions speak louder than words thing! My dad is a talker, but he also shows himself through actions. I think that is a good thing to remember about men, that way we know how they really feel.
For me, I think it’s a bit of a mix. I think the things I admired about my dad–like his intelligence for instance, that was definitely something I looked for in guys.
That makes sense. Sometimes we know what we don’t want because of our dad. Like, I don’t want to date Bob Dylan’s second biggest fan.
My mother always said to me and my brother that we needed to work out our issues with our opposite sex parent before getting into a serious relationship otherwise we’d work those issues out there. And no truer words have been spoken.
Until I got my “Daddy issues” straight, I continued to date men who would leave me. I think because my Dad died when I was 16 and I was traumatized with a deep seeded fear of abandonment. It wasn’t until I got those fears and anxieties straightened out and started exploring having a relationship with my Dad (praying to him) that a healthy, loving relationship landed on my doorstep.
And you know what…he’s JUST like my Dad! Sometimes makes me so sad that they won’t ever get to know each other cause they’d have loved and adored each other but knowing that in my heart…that my Dad would whole heartedly approve feels tremendously wonderful!
GREAT post!
You so did the right thing by working on your issues first! It took me a while to realize that my issues with men actually came from my relationship with my mother. I have a great relationship with my dad, so I didn’t really know what the issues were. But, once I figured it out, it was like something opened up in me. Now, when I meet the right guy, at least I’ll know what issues to look out for.
I really appreciate your perspective on finding a good partner– in this post AND the “safe guy” post before. You are SO RIGHT. And if your dad isn’t a safe and loving presence in your life, look to your teachers, your grandparents, etc. Find someone who loves you like a daughter, and lets you know you have value. I’ve learned from my clients that if your dad doesn’t value you, it’s that much harder to value yourself– and harder to end up with a partner who values you. I just love your dad, Emma. Clearly, he’s done a good job. And now you’re sharing that gift with the rest of us. Thanks!
That is very sweet, thank you! I think you put it very well. If your dad doesn’t value you, it’s going to be hard to value yourself. And we all know that if we don’t value ourselves, we are going to end up with a man who doesn’t value us either. I think the same is also true of our relationships with our mothers. It’s just the our dads have a larger impact on our romantic futures.
[...] Burcart writes about how we’re all daddy’s girls. She has some interesting thoughts about the old adage that women will marry someone like their [...]
[...] PERSONAL RELASHUNS: I really like this post from Emma Burcart about her dad and about adult relationships. There’s a lot of wisdom in it. Take a look here. [...]
Great post, Emma–indeed, Daddy issues are a huge determining factor in our relationships, but like you, I never knew exactly *why*. Filling in holes sounds about right, and I’m very grateful for the insight. My dad and I had a good relationship, but–like so many things in life–it was complicated
I did date jerks and controlling men (thankfully, never anyone abusive), and I consider myself lucky that I was able to walk away before consequences turned serious. Yep, lucky–not smart, not wise. Just lucky. It took me a while to settle down enough emotionally to move forward into a serious and adult relationship of healthy give-and-take, of mature exchanges, of–yikes–emotional stability. You’ve helped me understand a bit more of myself today, and I owe you a hug 
I’m so glad I could help! And I love hugs!
It is kind of amazing how we go through so many things in life without really thinking about what we are doing or why. There are so many times that I have been lucky, too. I am happy now that I know what I want, so that I can recognize it instead of just falling into it and seeing if it’s what I want. I think you are right about being emotionally stable before we can be in a successful adult relationship. I hope that is what I’m on my way to! Thanks for the insight. 
Your dad sounds like a sweetheart. I love stories about parents who CHOOSE to love a child that they didn’t help create. Those are some very special people and I can see why you’d want to find a man very much like your father.