Occasional Epiphanies

Is He Mr. Right Now?

Relationships Jun 01, 2012 10 Comments

Are we wasting his time, too?

After a break up most people tell you to get back out there and date. It takes the next guy to get over the last guy. That’s what we always hear.

Some people call it a rebound. Others say he’s the in-between guy. The bridge between one serious relationship and the next.

I have never been able to bridge successfully.

Either one of two things happens.

1. I spend the whole time thinking about the last guy.

Comparing how they are different, and usually, how the ex is so much better. Taller, funnier, has better taste in restaurants. The ex always comes out ahead. Maybe the known is always better than the unknown.

2. I fall head over heels way too soon.

I know he’s supposed to be the bridge guy. He’s just the one you date until the next “real” boyfriend comes along. But he’s funny and cute, and hey, he’s there. The next thing you know I’m planning a future with the rebound guy. And we all know how that turns out.

Either way, we already know he isn’t the one. That’s not who he was supposed to be. We weren’t ready for the real thing yet. So why do we need the in-between?

We know the man sitting across from us at the restaurant or next to us in the movie theater is just filling in a spot. He’s a place holder. Until something better comes along.

That just doesn’t feel right to me.

There’s a difference between dating a guy to find out if we’re compatible and dating him just to have someone to date.

So this time I decided to take my time. No bridge for me.

I’ve been enjoying my time out on the lake, instead of trying to get to the other side. I figure it’s better to spend my time having fun and living my life than to practice dating with someone I don’t actually want to be with.

Maybe I’m wrong, but I think that I’ll find my way to land when the time is right. And in the meantime, I’ll be having too much fun to care when it happens.

How do you get over a break up? Do you date someone else right away? Or do you take your time until the next right for you guy comes along?

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10 Responses to “Is He Mr. Right Now?”

  1. Reply Natalie Hartford says:

    Love this post. I was a serial dater for a long time. I think it becomes a habit so that being alone makes us anxious. Before I met hubby, I decided to take a one-year break from dating. Not a flirtation, not an email, not a date, not a friend – nothing! A year where I focused on just me and on being content in my own skin. I realized that the only way I’d never “settle” again was if I was 100% ok with being alone…
    I was about 8 months in when hubby appeared and won me over with his persistence and determination…he was worth breaking my timeline because I had learned the lesson. I wasn’t accepting anything less than the best…and I didn’t.
    I think taking time between relationships is not only important, it’s KEY to finding your one! Being happy on your own and alone is crucial. I wish more women did it!
    ENJOY this time on your own…it’s a gift and I know you’ll have a BLAST!

    • Reply Emma Burcart says:

      I hadn’t really thought of it as a pattern, but you’re right. We do get used to being with someone and we think it’s what we are supposed to do. And being alone does make you feel anxious at first. But once we realize how great we are, we are totally great with being single. And then we have examples like you to look forward to!

  2. Reply Jennette Marie Powell says:

    More words of life-wisdom! It’s totally all right – and smart! – to let ourselves take time between relationships. Why go out with a guy when we’re not that into him? It’s not fair to us or them. I said yes to a date thinking I needed it to move on, but after talking to the guy on the phone a couple times, realized I wasn’t interested, so I cancelled our date, telling him it was too soon after a breakup. It was a convenient excuse, but not a lie.

    The night I was supposed to go out with the “bridge” guy, I ended up going out with a girl friend – and met the guy I’ve now been married to for 18 years. :)

    • Reply Emma Burcart says:

      That’s a great story! I guess when it’s right, it happens and we don’t have to convince ourselves. I think it was kind to tell him you weren’t interested rather than going out with him and dumping him later.

  3. Reply shannon esposito says:

    I would think it would be a luxury to have time to focus on yourself, figure out what you want out of life and a relationship, enjoy your girlfriends and time alone before being a part of a couple again. Dating sucks. I hated it. If I wasn’t married, I’d just stay single…lol I realize that makes no sense. But, hey, it’s Friday…go do something for yourself!

    • Reply Emma Burcart says:

      It’s funny, my married friends all say that. And, you know, I do know how lucky I am to be able to have time to myself. And now that I know what it’s like, I will make room for it in my future relationships. :)

  4. Reply Karen McFarland says:

    Emma, you are so on the right track. Before we are able to allow someone else in our lives, we have to be okay with ourselves first. Learning to be alone and like our own company is the first step. Then we’ll be ready for another relationship. And that person will appreciate you more for doing it this way. Your self-esteem will encourage him to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Have fun! :)

  5. Reply August McLaughlin says:

    I used to be the girl who needed a new relationship PRONTO. Once I learned to be okay, even great, as a single person, I met the best Mr. Right I could hope for. Whenever we have desperation to fill the void with someone else, I think a personal time out is in order. That said, it’s hard to do that before you’re ready. The “prize is always worth the rocky ride,” right?? ;) Great post, Emma!

    • Reply Emma Burcart says:

      What a great quote! Yes, the desperation is awful. It’s a horrible feeling. Now that I don’t have that, I’m enjoying the time to myself. Thanks for the good advice. :)

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