So You Think I’m a Bitch?
What did you just call me?
Every year I get one of those something-a-day calendars. Last year it was all about Fashion. I learned a lot, like how Christian Louboutin’s came to be red on the bottom and the origin of the grunge look. This year I wanted something a little different, but still me.
My step-mom picked one out for me. It’s called Getting in Touch with your Inner Bitch.
At first I thought I should be offended. But she is always right in the end. I figured it would be funny. That’s pretty much the point of a something-a-day calendar: to smile the days away as you get closer to each vacation. Yeah, I sometimes forget to tear them off when it’s not a work day.
I brought the Inner Bitch calendar home and got her set up on my desk, ready for January 1st. Then I peeled off the cover page and read the first day. Turns out, it is not a funny calendar. But it’s also not what I expected from the title.
There are quotes by famous women and a few men, too. Lily Tomlin, Dr. King, and Maya Angelou. One of my favorites so far is by a woman named Wendy Wasserstein. No I don’t know who she is. But I know she was right when she said, “Don’t live down to expectations. Go out there and do something remarkable.”
Most of the days are short “lessons” about being a Bitch. Lessons about standing up for yourself, saying what’s on your mind, and not worrying so much about what other people think. All things I need to remember from time to time. Ok, maybe daily.
Does that mean being a Bitch really just means being a strong woman?
Among my friends, we’ve always used the word Bitch. And Biatch and Bizzo and Hooch. They didn’t have any bad connotation. Really, they meant someone that we loved. Maybe we were finding our own definition for the word. Maybe Bitch only has the power to hurt when it’s said by a man.
I remember the first time I was called Bitch by a guy. I can’t say man, because what real man calls a woman a Bitch in the first place? It was in college and I was at an outdoor concert with some friends. I had a backpack with me and hidden inside was something considered contraband. Yes, it was fruity wine coolers, but let’s just say it was potato chips because I might not have been twenty-one.
I had enough potato chips for me and the friends who came with me. We were sharing nicely, as friends usually do. Well, the guy next to us saw what we had and figured out I was the one with the goods. He said, not very politely, “Hey, let me get one of those.” I didn’t know him, he wasn’t even nice, and there were only enough for my group of friends. So, I shook my head and said, “Sorry.” I even used my sweet phone voice.
The guy looked right at me and called me “Bitch”, loud enough for everyone around to hear. The other people turned to stare like I’d keyed his car or boiled his rabbit. You know, something a Bitch would do.
That day I decided that Bitch just meant a woman who said no to a man.
But as I go through the daily tidbits I’m finding it’s something more. Getting in touch with my Inner Bitch means finding out who I really am, what I really like, and saying no when it’s not in my best interest. It means not being a doormat or doing everything I think I should do because I’m a woman. And it means standing up for what I know is right and saying what’s on my mind.
The more I get to know the Bitch inside me, the more I like myself.
Bitch is just the way our culture, society, what-have-you labels a woman who is strong. Look at Hilary Rodham Clinton, Oprah, and Margaret Thatcher. All of them have been called Bitches. All of them strong, powerful, and successful. Maybe it’s not so bad to be a Bitch.
What do you think about the B word? How does it feel to be called a Bitch? Do you ever use it yourself?
Any word that is okay to use by the group, but offensive when used by someone outside the group aimed at the group… should not be used at all. If you find a man’s use of the word offensive — and I entirely agree that a real man would never use the word — then perhaps it should go into disuse, or returned to its original context if one exists.
“Bitch” has an original meaning — a female dog — and even within your group calling each other “dogs,” well, dehumanizes you. The continued use of the “N” word by black comedians, musicians, and within the community prevents the word from passing into obscurity; this word has no other context other than to denigrate.
Biatch, Bizzo and Hooch are no better… actually, they’re not even English, which brings me to my final point. With such a wealth of flexibility within the English language, are there no other non-derogatory terms to be used when “just kidding around” or being playful that don’t erode the nobility of womanhood?
Those are all good points you bring up. I think, for me, using the word ar our own was a stage we had to go through. Like many other things I had to go through in college. I don’t actually use the word much now. But since thinking about it a little, I realized it doesn’t bother me if people use it on me. It just means I’m strong, or not doing what they want me to do.
I’m not fond of that word. I prefer to think of the process as bringing out my inner Valkyrie. Folks rarely call me a bitch, at least not to my face, especially not twice…
Especially not twice. I like that. I think of it as bringing out the real me, but that doesn’t have a nice ring to it.
Inner Valkyrie!! I love that Prudence!
Someone will have to explain that to me. I’m not really a Tom Cruise fan.
Love the quote, “Don’t live down to expectations. Go out there and do something remarkable.” That totally made my day.
Personally, I wouldn’t want to be called a bitch, and I’d hate to be the man who called me one. He’d get an earful. I don’t even know if women should self-identify as a “bi-atch” because what do we really mean by that? Do we mean we’re assertive or that we stand up for ourselves? Isn’t that okay?
My mother used to say that there are a lot of women in the world, but very few ladies. And to this day, I still respond, “Well-behaved women rarely make history.” Oh yes, Prudence. Valkyries, indeed! Lovely post, Emma.
So true. It is strange that we don’t really have any names for women who stand up for themselves, except for putdowns or masculine words. Maybe that’s something we need to add to the language. I love your quote. So true.
I use it when I’m mad. Or talking about someone I don’t like that did something that I didn’t like. It’s all in the tone. If you say it laughing then it’s not a bad thing. If you are saying it to yourself you really mean you’re being rude or too honest. Every time a man says it to a women, it’s always bad and usually uncalled for. I can’t believe that guy called you that when in fact he’s a bitch for saying it. Asshole! I need to be more of a bitch sometimes, which to me means saying no, speaking louder, asking questions even when I’m feeling shy or out place. Just saying I won’t have that! Sometimes we all need to a bitch in order to get what we want.
That is true. I think most people use it in anger. When I am angry or really happy, I switch to Spanish. I don’t know why, but the angrier I get, the harder it is to think in English. In anger I do use the P-word, but my preference is to make up my own bad words.
I find offensive words offensive, and I’ve become less wiling to listen to them/read them over time. Name calling in general is not a great way to communicate, in my view. But if we’re going to call each other names, then at least let the names be positive ones. Words matter. Especially to writers. Or they should. IMHO
Words do matter. But we do have to have ways to get out our anger and frustration, and sometimes using words is our way. For me, when I get anry I switch to Spanish, so half the time the people who I’m angry with don’t understand what I’m saying. But I have to have a way to get it out, or I’ll explode.
Okay, so maybe it’s a double standard, but I HATE it when guys use it, or when it’s used in a derogatory manner toward someone, no matter how deserving, male or female…but my tight group of girlies use it with each other all the time. Like it is with you, Emma, it’s a term of endearment. It’s code within our inner circle. Even though few of us rarely use the term outside our circle of friends, on the inside, we know it means, “I love you, I think you’re awesome just the way you are, and I’m always gonna.”
That totally makes sense. That is the way I have always been with it, too. Maybe it is something in our generation, like Pat said.
There’s a generational divide among women when it comes to the b-word. None of us likes it used against us by men, but younger women are comfortable appropriating it as a term of affection for close female friends and recognition of their friends’ power. Using it in those ways takes the sting from the word.
I’m older and have zero positive connotations for the word, so I avoid it.
How great that your stepmother gave you the calendar. Clearly, she knows what the b-word represents to you and your friends.
I got the Awkward Family Photos calendar. What does THAT mean?
Thank you for explaining it! That makes so much sense to me! The truth is, now that I have discovered what it really means, it won’t bother me as much even when a man says it. I’ll be able to tell him that’s just his word for a woman who stands up for herself. Um, Awkward Family Photos calendar? I think that’s self explanitory. Either your family is awkward or their photos are awkward. Not sure which is better.
Interesting post. As a teen, my nearest sister and i called each other ‘bitch’ and assorted other names. It seemed to express our affection for each other. But she died in a car accident and I lost my friend. I don’t think I’ve ever called anyone by that name since then. I’m sure I’ve been called that word behind my back but that’s okay because sometimes I am.
Great post, Emma. Well written and to the point. Personally I think a little bit of bitch is sexy in a woman.
Thanks for noticing.
It’s all about context. Between friends, no big deal. I’m LOL at that guy who just expected you to give him a drink when he didn’t even know you! Yup, I’d rather be a bitch than a doormat. But my preferred use for the word is as a verb. One job I had, going to lunch to bitch was the only way to stay sane!
Oh, as a verb. I like that. I love using nouns as verbs and verbs as nouns. Oh, and making up adverbs. So fun! Great idea.
I agree with most, it’s all about context. Among my friends, we can use it jokingly and as a term of endermeant. But when it’s coming from someone you know is trying to be hurtful…it can hurt!
But I always try to remember a story my Mom told me. When she was just shy of 50, she re-entered the dating world after being a widow for 8 years. She went out with a gentlemen who, let’s just say, didn’t really display gentlemanly tendencies. When she expressed her displeasure, he called her “a high maintenance bitch” to which she promptly responded “DAMN straight and proud of it!”
Love Mom!
Call me bitch – trying to be nice or mean – I don’t care! I’ll take it as a compliment!
Words only have the power in which we give them. Someone can only hurt me with their word attach if I allow it.
I love your mom! That is exactly the realization I had and the point I was trying to make. The way our society deams a woman a bitch is when she stands up for herself, speaks her mind, or bucks tradition in some other way. Whatever way it’s meant, I’m taking it as a compliment, I love that! Tell your mom thanks.
Mom ROCKS! LOL!!
I wish I would have realized all those years ago that….well…she was always RIGHT! Damn her…LOL!!
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